Christian is 21 months…and a Health Update

I was sitting on the runway waiting for my plane to take off and I felt my phone vibrate…the name read ”Dr. Ross”…the number I have been waiting to see since last week when tentative surgery dates for Christian were being tossed around. My heart raced and I hesitated to pick up for a second and then thought, F it, let the flight attendant come yell at me. Yes, let’s do November 1^st, that will work. My brain flashes to Halloween the night before…one last really fun night before he goes in…a good memory for sure as it’s one of the boys favorite holidays and our neighborhood lights up. Ok, yes, that works. I hang up and the phone rings 30 seconds later…Dr. Ross is available that day but I failed to check the operating calendar…Dr. West is not available. Dr. Ross has a 15 min part of the surgery…it is Dr. West’s surgery so that really won’t work.

The scheduler asks me if I would prefer October 25^th or November 8^th? My jaded, screwed up mind has already reconciled that I cannot do a surgery so close to McKay and Liz’s birthday. Christian’s surgery would only be 10 days and 15 days prior to each if we picked November 8^th. What if something goes terribly wrong…and every year for the rest of McKay’s life I am an incredible mess for the days surrounding one of the best days of my life. No, we’ll do October 25^th. These are the crazy thoughts that Liz has to deal with on a regular basis.

So there it is. Christian is having surgery. He will be placed under anesthesia and they will go in laparoscopically to repair the cleft in his esophagus. The surgery is short…as far as surgeries go…60-90 minutes maybe…but it will no doubt feel like an eternity for Liz and me. Christian will be 21 months old so we will probably be the first surgery of the day because they organize the schedule youngest to oldest. We will be in the ICU for monitoring between 2 and 7 days post op.

How am I feeling? I vacillate between fear, nausea, and questioning my decision making most of the time. I feel an incredibly strong connection to each of my kids and I love them with my whole soul. But my connection to this boy is visceral. Maybe it’s because we are so connected that he’s always woken up or cried out when my plane touches down on the ground in LA. Maybe it’s because I know he’s my baby…the last one we will hit milestones with and the last one to leave our house when he’s all grown up. Maybe it’s rooted in the many health scares we’ve had with him, where I’ve held him and thought I was losing him on more than one occasion. Or maybe it’s this bond I have seen form between three brothers that are now my whole world. As every new addition to our family has done, he has changed the dynamic, changed the game, changed the fabric of us all. His brothers hug and kiss and dote upon him and wrestle with him and tease him and laugh at him. But they are in love with this boy and are fiercely protective of him. 21 months ago they didn’t know how much they would love this little person but now they are acutely aware of how much space he has filled up in their hearts. He is our bear bear and I can’t fathom the thought of something going wrong. I will never forgive myself.

So there it is, on October 25^th, early in the morning Christian has surgery. I write this blog mainly for posterity for my kids’ benefit. But I also write it because I need to get my feelings out and it’s the best way I can do it. And it makes me feel good to hear friends or family say that they love to read about our family and they appreciate my honesty. So I have a request for anyone reading this, please keep us in your positive thoughts and send some prayers our way.

Love you all! -The Biswolds