On Monday my life as I have known it for the last 12 weeks will change drastically. After spending almost every waking moment with Christian I will leave him to the care of another woman that I barely know. I could write a whole separate blog about how abhorrent maternity leave/bonding time is for new moms in our country. For now I will just say…we have a long way to go in that arena & maternity leave in this country SUCKS. 4 weeks ago I would have said he won’t even notice if I leave him. Now his eyes search for my voice and when they find me his eyebrows respond before his huge smile does. When I see the recognition in his eyes I’m a goner. Because we are tied together in this way part of my heart will stay with him when I drop him off on Monday. I will be starting the process of letting go as a mom…and I will come back to that moment many times in his life. I will constantly question my decision to return to work. The mom guilt will cripple me and will cause me to pause many times over in the parking lot of his daycare or the parking lot of my office. I will push on for two reasons…1) these boys need me to pay the bills and provide for their future and 2) the pressure of proving to myself and others that as a woman in the workforce I am capable of “doing it all” will overcome.
I broke down in tears when Liz got home from work on Monday. It was the start of my last week with him and Monday night marked the close of day 1…only 4 more to go. She promptly pointed to our other boys, happily running around the house, and said, “look at them…we left them at the same age…they are great, they are well adjusted.” I know, I snapped back, that’s not it…I’m going to miss him so much (cue more tears).
For the first 5.5 months we lived here prior to Christian I spent more time outside of California than I did in it. Maternity leave has allowed me to finally transition into my life here. I’ve been able to soak up the sunshine and explore my city. It’s also shined a bright light on the hardest part about living here right now…missing our family & friends. My mom was here for the first 10 days of Christian’s life but he’s changed so damn much since then. His Nonna and Pop-Pop in Philly have never met him and want so badly to do just that. My sister in law Meghan might chop off her left arm to hold him and she’s never met him. He’s never met his cousins or everyone’s favorite, Aunt Lisa. And my best friend in the world had her first baby 2 months before me. I miss her so and wish we could have hung out a bit on our maternity leave.
To focus on the positive, I’m grateful for the time I’ve been given with Christian and the boys. I’ve done almost every school drop off for 10 weeks. I have never been rushed to leave school so I’ve chatted with their teachers, watched them sign into class, interact with their friends, & conversed with other parents about how their kid or ours was dinner time conversation. I’ve sat on the couch and nursed Christian with time only for him (and a few Netflix TV shows). Tangent: I highly recommend The Fall, Stranger Things, Narcos, & The Crown.
I have made myself big salads for lunch and sat on the front porch eating and soaking up the California sunshine. I have watched each McKay and Gabe be the Shabbat Yeladim and chaperoned school field trips. I have cooked all kinds of dinners for my family. I spent time with my mom and my brother. I’ve gone on walks with our friend Anne, sat on the beach in Venice, hiked Baldwin Hills stairs with the baby in the carrier, and talked to neighbors. I have gone out to lunch with Liz every other Wednesday on her day off, made at least 25 trips to the grocery store (ridiculous I know), gone on runs, and taken cycling classes. I’ve taken 4 or 5 naps over 12 weeks…that’s more than I’ve taken in the last 5 years!
I have made up silly songs to make the baby smile…and what a sweet smile he has. I’ve watched this amazing bond begin to form between brothers. And I have watched roles change for my big boys…oldest brother & new big brother and seen them transition into them before my eyes. This is not McKay’s first rodeo and he has handled it like a seasoned pro. I have watched Gabe toe the line with his role…so eager to be a good big brother, so in love with Christian, but maybe not quite ready to give up his role as the baby.
Sure, I’m a bit sleep deprived but my stress is so low in comparison. For all the chaos our mornings sometimes bring there has been no need to check emails or answer incoming calls. Ok if you ignore 8:30-9am every morning when I can be heard saying: put your shoes and socks on, get your lunchbox, and get in the car…on repeat it’s fairly low. But the change is coming, and like a freight train barreling down the tracks I have to start running or get hit by it.
I’m not at all worried about next week when I start work again. I think getting the kids to two separate places every morning and to work on time will be a breeze. I’m not going to stress out when my bosses emails begin to pour in at 5am because he’s on the East Coast (and has no life). I think my Monday morning 7:15am and 8am conference calls will go off without a hitch while I breastfeed a kid, wipe a toddler ass, and open a granola bar. I don’t anticipate crying crocodile tears in my car after I leave Christian on Monday. And I’m super excited to get on my first flight and spend my first night(s) away from my baby. Bahahaha!
84 days spent with this beautiful boy soaking up vitamin D is not so bad. It’s not nearly enough but It’s more than most people get. I miss our family and I miss our friends but I’m grateful. And just as we always do, Liz & I will make it work because these boys are our #1 priority and we both put the effort in as parents & partners. The next few months may bring a schedule that resembles ancient hieroglyphics, a messy house, and cereal for dinner. But at the end of the day we have 3 beautiful, healthy kids with good hearts who are thriving in this bustling, diverse community that we now call home.
“Then it suddenly occurred to me that, in all the world, there neither was nor would ever be another place like this City of the Angels. Here the American people were erupting, like lava from a volcano; here, indeed, was the place for me – a ringside seat at the circus.” -Cary McWilliams
Beautiful. ❤?❤️ Counting the minutes until July.