It’s hard to believe that I’m turning 39 years old this week. In some ways I feel older and in others it feels as if the last 15 years of my life have flown by in the way you would fast forward a movie. I look back at my it’s almost surreal to think about the path that my life has taken. If you would have told me at 22 years old that at 39 I’d be married to a girl, have 3 boys, live in Los Angeles, and be an HR director responsible for half of the country I would have laughed at you (a few times). I also wouldn’t have imagined my dad would be absent from these milestones.
I can very easily flash back to 11 or 12 years old, laying in my bed at my childhood home on 105 Stewart Drive. If I close my eyes I can still see my bedroom painted blue and imagine my dad braiding my hair over the side of my bed at night. I can still hear my Grandfather’s voice reciting Robert Frost. It’s been 27 years since I last heard him read those poems, but I can still hear his Scottish voice enunciate the lines. He bought me the complete collection of Robert Frost Poems and signed the inside of the book. I still have it and I have been signing my kids books ever since they were born. One of his favorites was The Road Less Traveled. The poem itself has become a total cliché but my preteen self had no idea how much that poem would resonate with me.
It’s possible that others reach forks in the road where they have a multitude of options. But I can’t recall a major life decision point where there were more than two clear paths to choose between. This theme started with college for me…
- Roanoke or Randolph Macon. There was no 3rd option…just the 2.
- My sophomore year – consider the semester a wash when I was hospitalized and underwent 2 surgeries or buckle down and finish
- My senior year in college…Student teaching and an early childhood education major which would mean dropping my last season of lacrosse or dropping that major to play my last season of lacrosse…
- Pursue my master’s program at University of Maryland or St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia.
- Continue at St. Joseph’s after my dad died or drop out and start over at a new program closer to home.
- Start my first job at the Attorney General’s office in Baltimore or move to Richmond and work at the White Collar Crime Center.
- Assistant Coach the women’s soccer team at my alma mater and try to juggle 2 jobs or just work one job.
- Move back to Maryland and start a new career with Target or stay in Richmond at my current job.
- Stay with my fiancé, get married, and start a family or explore my feelings for Liz knowing it might not even work out.
- Come out of the closet or hide it from my family and friends because it would be exposing myself to criticism and force me to face the inevitable questions that followed.
- Take a chance on the house in Baltimore or stay put for fear that I was out of my league trying to buy my first house.
- Put ourselves out there in a documentary supporting gay marriage or keep quiet knowing we wouldn’t be significantly impacted one way or another.
- Buy a new house and move to the suburbs when baby #2 was on the way or stay put in Baltimore.
- Stay put at Target after 9 years or start a new job with CarMax.
- Try for baby #3 or try to get the promotion which would move us across the country to California. This was the only time I recall making the conscious decision to do both and see how things worked out. And then both happened.
- Move across the country from our family and friends to take on the promotion (a few months pregnant) or play it safe by staying in Maryland and staying in my current job.
- Move into Human Resources when I was tapped on the shoulder to do something different or stay in the same field I had worked in for 12 years.
As my own Monday morning quarterback, I reflect every so often on my personal crossroads…I think about what would have happened if I chose differently…walked right instead of left. In some cases, it’s easy to think about how life would be; in other cases, it’s nearly impossible. Many of you wouldn’t even have crossed my path if I had made the alternate choices. You know who you are and I’m grateful for the intersection of our lives.
I’m also keenly aware that I’m a self-deprecating person about 90% of the time who never really gives myself credit for things, just ask my wife. But when I look back on this list I’m mainly proud of myself for having the courage to “do the things”. I’m appreciative to have come from a humble upbringing and to have worked my way up in a company I’m proud to work for. I’m grateful to be in a position to provide for my family in a way I never thought possible. I’m grateful to have loved and lost and loved again. I’m grateful to have very amazing friends who make the journey a little sweeter along the way. I’m grateful to have these 3 beautiful, wonderful kids who I’m scared to death to mess up. I’m honored and humbled to be their mom. I’m grateful I have this amazing wife who supports all my hopes and dreams and holds me accountable to being better than I am today.
Turning another year older is strange and I’m sure next year’s milestone (the big 4-0) will feel even more overwhelming. But with every year older I turn I feel wiser, more reflective, and more confident about myself. I used to be incredibly self-conscious, I cared so much about what people thought of me. Now I care more about how I treat people and make them feel, about being a good friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and boss. I’m not going make history as a famous engineer or inventor or curer of cancer, but I do care about the mark I leave on the world. And for me, right now, that’s about raising good people who will leave their marks even deeper than me.
As this blog is for posterity and I hope that my boys read it and take something from it one day I’ll end with this.
McKay, Gabe, & Christian Bear…
It took me 39 years to learn these things, I hope you get there a little quicker.
Take chances.
Follow your gut.
Don’t let fear or money be your deciding factor in any decision.
Always be good to people along the way.
Don’t worry about what others will think of you. Your true friends will love you for you.
Read to your kids and your grandkids…they will remember it forever.
Don’t believe the people who tell you “It’s all about who you know”. Instead operate with an “it’s all about how you apply yourself” mentality.
Have courage to do the hard thing and most importantly the right thing.
Protect your heart but open it when its right knowing that inevitably it will be broken.
Your heart will mend but it will never forget and that’s ok too.
Love who you love and don’t care about what other people will think or feel about it because you must be true to yourself.
Go down the road that feels most right for you. Even Frost says he decided to take the road less traveled and it made all the difference. But he admits that the two paths are equally worn. Whatever path you chose will make all the difference, the important thing is that it’s YOUR path.
Most importantly…remember how much your mommy loves you.
I love you all more than the cars on the road, leaves on the trees, fish in the sea, water in the ocean, sand on the beach, & stars in the sky. Don’t ever forget it boys. Thanks to you all, it’s going to be a very Happy 39th Birthday to me. I’m right where I was meant to be.