I’ve been back from maternity leave for just shy of 7 months now. Christian is 9.5 months old, Gabe turned 4 and McKay started Kindergarten at the end of August. Time certainly is flying by and life feels as if it’s in fast forward. Here’s the quick version of the last few months…vacation, a daycare move and then change for Christian, another scary medical episode for the bear, and a trip back east for the KTS5K.
Before I get into too much detail on anything else…Christian is ok. After this most recent incident we visited a neurologist and cardiologist along with our pediatrician and all were in agreement that there were no serious conditions (seizures, heart condition) that we need to worry about. We are still without solid answers of what was happening, but the best we can tell is that his vasovagal system is causing him to faint. And when babies faint they can’t exactly communicate, “I don’t feel so well mom and I’m going to sit down for a minute….” We are hopeful he will grow out of this but without knowing a true cause combined with how sporadic the episodes have been, I wouldn’t say I’m the most relaxed mom on the block. Our best friend has started to call him the GOAT. Apparently goats, they are big fainters. It’s actually pretty funny and has brought some levity to all the anxiety over his health.
Our vacation in North Carolina was great. Everyone met the bear and I think it’s safe to say, fell in love with him. We went to the beach, rode bikes, swam in the pool, ate ice cream, ran on the golf course after hours, saw crocodiles, and swam in the pool at night. Night swimming immediately brings me back to my own childhood when my dad would get home late from work and we would hustle down to the pool for the last few minutes in the water. I can still smell the chlorine, see the foggy pool lights under water, and hear the flutter of bats above us as we dove off the diving board.
My only complaints about our vacation are that I wish it was easier to get there and I wish it didn’t end so soon. We took a 5 hour plane ride, drove for 9 hours the next day, took a 30 min ferry ride, and then rode a tram to our house. It takes a good 48 hours to settle your body down and recover from that kind of travel so the return trip crept up much too soon. I’m so grateful for the memories with family and the beautiful pictures my sister in law always takes. Shameless plug…Follow her on Instagram at @willowandsage. These are her pictures below…
Getting back to reality from that trip was tough and to say we are in the thick of it right now is probably an understatement. Starting this summer and moving forward we have had three kids at three separate places every day…for drop off and pick up. Most days this summer it was taking us a good 75-90 minutes to leave the first location and make it to the last location for all 3. Thankfully we just put Christian in a daycare 5 minutes from our house which has significantly cut down our car time and helped our mental health a ton.
Liz and I have become 2 ships that pass in the night, generally anchoring for an hour or two in order to string together dinner for everyone, do dishes, give the kids a bath, and make lunches. And rinse and repeat. Yeah, I feel a bit like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day listening to Sonny and Cher’s “I got you babe” on his alarm clock every morning. Liz and I have great jobs, great kids, and we live in an amazing community so please don’t take my venting as ungratefulness. It’s just that sometimes it feels like we move so fast that we don’t truly get to enjoy it.
In the mornings when I’m solo with the boys my fuse is super short. It’s generally because I could just record myself saying (over and over again) please eat your breakfast, get into the car, put your shoes and socks, please stop riding the dog, and my favorite…please strap into your F-ing carseat! It would be a little hectic getting 3 kids ready regardless but when I’m bumping up against work deadlines and a pile of emails it’s even more stressful. I find myself plagued with guilt once the craziness is over and I have them all dropped off. ‘I shouldn’t have snapped at McKay when he wouldn’t get into his seat’ ‘I shouldn’t have hurried Gabe along and told him he couldn’t have another snack as we walked out the door’ When you break this down, they are kids…they don’t understand deadlines, they don’t get the importance of being on time, and really, do they need to be rushed right now? I hate that we (I) do that to them. They will be well prepared for the rat race that life can be…but life, when slowed down and enjoyed, can also be pretty damn amazing. I want them to get the balance of that but the scales have been tipped to the rat race too much recently. Liz and I process it differently too. She tells me, and herself, that we are doing the best we can, that we have happy well-adjusted kids. She probably right but I just think they deserve more from us.
The truth is that we are 2 working parents with full time jobs and 3 kids 5 & under. Let me pause there to let that sink in. It’s hard to devote the necessary time to everyone. I find myself stretched thin. I know I’m not alone and there are a lot of parents of small kids that are struggling to keep it all together. I have talked to other friends, conversed with coworkers, read blogs of other parents, and passed moms and dads in parking lots or at schools who have all gone through it. McKay wants to toss the football or play a game of PIG, Gabe wants to paint or color, and Christian needs to eat or be watched closely. And those are just the things that they want…. what they need is even different…McKay needs help with his letters and help with listening to others. And he craves quality time with us to the point where he will go on any errand, bike ride, or dog walk just so he can join in; Gabe needs someone to help him with his now 4 -year-old feelings and how to articulate himself. He needs to be reassured that as the middle child he is both our baby and our big boy. And Christian just needs a lot because he’s small and needy, always hungry, and already nonstop!
With a baby in the house it’s turns into picking your battles and basing decisions around what absolutely needs to be done. It’s difficult when we are both home, so when it’s just me or just Liz they get even less of what they need. A friend of ours came to visit recently and said, yeah, that’s true you can’t give all of them as much as you want…but that’s why you had more than one kid right? It’s an important lesson for them to learn…that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Touché Christina, touché …
As I’m writing this part of me isn’t quite sure if I will actually post this blog. I actually started it almost 6 weeks ago and have revisited it on 4 different occasions. When I read what I’ve written so far and I sound like a miserable complainer. But the other part of me only knows how to keep it real and overshare. I also know things will eventually get easier and that I need to give myself a break. But for now, this SHIT feels hard. And I think it’s ok to say that to this audience. We (parents, caregivers, and people in general) need to feel free to be vulnerable and share when things seem overwhelming.
Some of you are probably thinking, yep, we see their social media life but reality is a bit different. You are partially right…. I don’t take out my phone during the middle of temper tantrums or meltdowns about a bump in someone’s sock (yes, that happens), or wear a head cam when I’m yelling at the boys to get strapped into their car seats. But at the same time, when Liz and I are together we live the hell out of our weekends. We never sit still, we barely put the TV on, and we are constantly exploring California. We do so much that our kids have a hard time just chilling out in the house…they wonder why we aren’t headed out to the beach or a hike or a t-ball or soccer game. So for now, I’ll just keep daydreaming about quitting my job and being a stay at home mom, and maybe winning the lottery because we live in California! And I’ll look forward to TGIF even more than I used to as a kid. After all, it’s movie and popcorn or game night in our house and damn do I love my boys.
